• D.I.Y.

    It sure was a tough week in the house of Gore.

    Marge wanted me to get some much needed decorating done.

    Mind you those computer wallpapers are expensive. It took me one hundred and sixty bloody laptops to decorate the living room alone.

    So on the Monday I brought in an interior designer. A very nice young chap, Tarquin I believe his name was, loud pink shirt, with an even louder personality. A bit of a mummies boy you could say.

    He took one look at me and the battered antique furniture scattered around my rather cluttered living room and said I need to get my feng shui sorted out.

    So quick as a flash I went along to my local Chinese restaurant for a double helping of it!

    The next day Marge said wanted to work closely with the designer, moving, humping and stripping. Then they started on the DIY.

    Marge said she was interested in saving space. Said I could go for a start off as I was a big waste of space.

    So I did, to the local pub I went. Where they had a pub quiz on.

    It was no normal pub quiz. I think the landlord's still addicted to Viagra as it was a sex Quiz. Sadly like a lot of sex related things at my age I had to pass or just hit lucky with a multiple choice.

    The barmaid Big Brenda, who never says no to any question, was running the quiz. She asked where a woman's G-spot was? I had to ask what that was. "A place that gives a woman great pleasure," said Brenda.

    "Oh, in that case. My bloody wallet!" I joked.

    I was determined to at least get one so I thought I'd sneakily ring Marge on my mobile for the answer. "She said he didn't know." She'd get Tarquin to help her look!"

    I didn't have the heart to tell her he might have designs on the house but very doubtful he's have designs on her!

    On the Wednesday I made my way to Henley-on-Thames, for the Association of misers, cheapskates and skinflints annual water carnival and Regatta. Unfortunately the event had to be cancelled because none of the members knew how to push the boat out!

    So instead I popped along to the British tyre manufactures annual blowout. To be honest the night was a bit of let down. It left me feeling rather tired and deflated!

    On Thursday I spent the day in bed. Playing tents - my second favourite bedtime past time.

    I wasn't allowed in the living room as she wanted to the decorating job a surprise.

    Friday, 'she that must be obeyed', wanted a big party to celebrate the unveiling of the new living room decorations. Family and friends flocked to see it and Unlike our carpets the people were wall-to-wall.

    It wasn't until I saw for the first time the loud colours; the bright orange, day glow green and blood red that I realised not only Marge but the interior decorator was bloody colourblind.

    So my weekend to date has been taken up with splashing out with a huge tin of Magnolia.

    As in everything in my life it's better when I bloody do it myself!

    TTFN KG

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  • A POETICAL TWIST OF A WEEK

    Greetings dear view, Gore here. Kensington Gore. Licensed to scare and thrill.

    This week I was going to talk to you about current affairs but I've never had an affair with a current.

    Instead let me tell you about some if the things I had happen to me last week.

    On Monday I attended a wine tasting evening.

    Tuesday - Marge took great pleasure in telling me what a good time I had on and exactly what I got up too.

    Know the dry cleaning bill alone is way more than the hundreds of pounds I saved on the free wine.

    Just the same on Tuesday night I went to a new "local strip club" there wasn't much on so I left.

    I instead went along to the local poetry lovers night in Hornchurch. Where I heard a very unusual verse reading from a young lady from Gloucester. http://amzn.to/1b0qdTv

    She'd obviously had a very full and interesting life.

    Wednesday

    On a Wednesday I went to Gloucester.

    Friday - I couldn't move!

    Saturday

    Saturday was Tiswas day. I call it that as Marge got in a tizzy about where I was Wednesday to Friday!

    Thanks for all the well wishes about my sore aching muscle. Should be back on my feet soon. Hope this week in Gore gives you the Horne ;-)

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  • Another bloody week in Gore

    What happened this week?

    Sure something happened on Monday just gone?

    I'm pulling your leg dear viewer, of course Monday gone I painted my garden shed.

    No, not that... That's right bloody Royal baby was born.

    Old Georgie boy, though I think everyone secretly wanted it to be a girl that would have been third in line for the throne.

    I doubt I'll ever see that in my life time now, a woman born into being the next monarch in line.

    Mind the way bloody medical science and life expectancy is going if George had been a girl there is a good chance as an old woman she'd have been over looked as the monarch and skipped her to her son say.

    So no change. Women over looked for the best jobs yet again.

    Am I right girls?

    Right on sisters, deep down I'm a bit of a feminist you know? I believe in the woman's movement, I hate it when they just lie there.

    I also burnt my man-bra years ago! What a fire that was, I can tell you, Marge was beside herself when eight hunky firemen showed up on an appliance with their hoses at the ready.

    Anyway it wasn't a girl destined to be Queen but a boy. A boy they all cried. In every news bulletin and newspaper - so much so I'm sure we all got sick to the back teeth pretty dam sharpish.

    Kate and Wills are fine, though what exactly he did is news to me. He's changed a nappy. Good, about time he got ones hands dirty.

    The name George was no great shock. But the fact they hope to have another three boys John, Paul and Ringo might be to some!

    The baby weighed eight pounds six ounces but most of that was silver spoon.

    It kind of dominated the news and my week too.

    Oh, one thing happened this week that did effect me. Hit me quite hard you could say. The government want to block pornography on the Internet. This came as a shock to me. Is there anything else on the bloody Internet?

    Having a porn filter is all well and good but who is going to empty it?!

    What else has been going on or in the news? It's been another great week for British sport with British cyclist Chris Froome winning the Tour De France last Sunday.

    It's just like busses isn't it? Last year we waited 99 years for a Brit to win the most famous bicycle race of all in Sir Bradley Wiggins and then we get another one the very next year. Just like bloody London buses. Even if this one was rerouted from Kenya.

    On a semi serious note, dirty minded childlike people out there will be saying - "He said semi!" I think this great British summer of sport is the true Olympic legacy from last year. Andy Murray winning Wimbledon. England's cricketers doing so well in the Ashes, British Lions on tour, even Lewis Hamilton winning the Hungarian Grand Prix today.

    We as a nation that has discovered it's okay to win. Being a nation of winners is in fact a very good thing. Let's keep it up, pity about our football team but you never know maybe one day. I can dream an English hand will one day lift the football World Cup; mind you might have to be a woman's hand.

    It doesn't seem like a year ago that the Olympics got under way does it?

    It brings back happy memories for me. You might want to read about them in my bestselling novel Kensington Gore's Diary - Another Year Closer to Death - http://amzn.to/16qmFH4

    (available on Amazon & all bad book shops) - see how I well slid that one in?

    I'm like Mo Farah sliding into the bloody 'Mobot.'

    Marge and I were meant to go back to the Olympic stadium this weekend but sadly I had a bit of a fall and badly sprained my ankle. Which is ironic as Marge did a similar thing near the time of the closing stages of the Olympics last year.

    Thanks for all your words of support and get well wishes by the way. To quash any cruel rumours it wasn't in attempting sex! My birthday is in February and birthday "treat" is ages away yet.

    Best dash, well hobble dear viewer. Marge says she fancies a hot sexy Indian tonight. If I put a turban on and call myself Bunged It-in, I might get lucky and keep her satisfied for a minute or two.

    Keep laughing and screaming. Do leave some bloody feedback and let me know if you like this rambling on nonsense etc.

    Keep a bit of Gore in your heart.

    TTFN, Kenny x

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  • A Week in Gore - A NEW FEATURE ABOUT THE WEEK IN THE LIFE OF KENSINGTON GORE.

    A WEEK IN GORE - JULY 21st 2013

    Welcome dear viewer to a new regular feature in the world of Kensington Gore,. A little update of the week I've had. Hope it raises a laugh and makes you smile.

    Which is a damn sight more than what happens to me most weeks I can bloody tell you.

    I'll try and update it every week with fun and interesting things. But as my friend, Fryer Tucker, who owns the local chip shop often says, "take it with a big pinch of salt!"

    I'm here to entertain as life is too short to be miserable, well it is at my age. Mind you sometimes I get a lot of fun out of being bloody miserable.

    As I write this The Royal baby is due any second and he or she will one day be our Monarch. Unless of course they turn out like most of the youth of today - demoralised at the state of the country, their future and their lack of job prospects.

    "Bloody hell who wants to be King or Queen of a country where all I have to look forward to is working in a call centre or in bloody McDonalds?! Does one, want fries with that?"

    I do have a Royal exclusive. Whether the child is a boy or a girl, they plan to take a leaf out of The Beckham's book and name it after where it was conceived. So world exclusive the future Monarch is to be called "Back of the Palace bins!"

    So what else has been going on this week?

    On Monday I engaged a new secretary who was very inexperienced. But now all I need is someone to do the shorthand and typing. She's a game girl, but I need to set some rules that she has to stop wearing low cut tops as I'm trying to cast actors for my new film and the only actors I keep thinking of at the moment are Yul Brynner and Telly bloody Savalas!

    On Tuesday:

    Sadly I had to let my new secretary, Miss Spelling, go. Marge caught her taking things down incorrectly-her G-string!

    It's probably for the best her shorthand wasn't that short, her typing speed was stuck in neutral and I had caught her putting correction fluid onto the computer screen!

    Wednesday:

    I ran into a painter friend of mine who is so devoted to his art that he actually invited a young lady back to his studio to show her his etchings and actually gave her one! An etching that is!!

    Thursday - Saturday

    For the last few days I have been engrossed in the second ashes test match at Lords. A place where I have bowled many a maiden over. Where I once showed Marge my googly and she got excited about my Chinaman.

    England look like they're thrashing the Aussies in this test and retaining the Ashes quite easily. My wife Marge can't believe they are playing for some old burnt out cricket stump. Compared it to playing for me and thinks they must have been smoking some well mowed grass to come up with that trophy!

    Cricket is one of the most complicated games in the world to explain to a woman, especially an American woman that was brought up on baseball. She kept asking why do they only count the third man, who has the longest leg off and shouldn't silly mid off wear a clown’s nose?

    She kept shouting for a home run and asking why the "pitcher keeps rubbing his ball on his groin?" She wanted Jimmy Anderson to get his stump out and get his Leg over her wicket and catch her from behind!

    Until next week dear viewer TTFN, Kensington Gore

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  • HOLOGRAMS? SHINE A LIGHT!

    'Shine a light', if it ain't little old me, Kensington Gore. Reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated of late and here I am in the flesh actually writing a blog dear viewer. I know, I'm stunned too!

    Speaking of the flesh, let's talk about something light or generated by light.

    'I saw six men beating up my mother-in-law," runs an old Les Dawson gag. "My neighbour said, 'Aren't you going to help?' I said, 'No, six should be enough'." They don't tell 'em like that anymore. Or at least, they didn't until ITV brought Les Dawson back from the grave.

    Don't worry dear viewer they didn't actually dig him up. It was in hologram form, for one last evening of good, old-fashioned word play and mother-in-law jokes. The channel commemorated the fact it was 20 years since Dawson died at 62, two weeks before he was due to film An Audience With …in front of a crowd of adoring celebs. Now, the celebs have reassembled to watch light-hearted Les deliver the set which the grim reaper denied us the chance to see in the flesh.

    I was in the audience and to be honest the look of fear and death from the Z list celebs in the audience that night, was a spooky sight to behold. I thought Lionel Blair's hair was going to turn white or whiter than it actually should be.

    This resurrection of a dead comic great was a first. ITV is reportedly deploying "staggeringly realistic" 3D holographic projection technology, in cahoots with industry leaders Musion, to spirit the dead comedian on to the stage. This act of ghoulish reincarnation had the blessing of Dawson's wife and daughter, who was only eight months old when she lost her funny man dad. Whereas comedians "die" on stage all the time, we've never yet been entertained, from a comic beyond the grave.

    It was a strange TV recording to be at and made even stranger night of viewing as it was kind of like R2D2 or Max Headroom doing Mother-in -law jokes.

    I kind of felt it was all a bit macabre, and my good wife Marge, as I am sure you know is not scared of 'ghoulies'. The hologram was flat, and if you pardon the pun, lifeless. Marge said that they should let comics die in peace.

    Is it a sign of things to come? Where Les leads, in the afterlife, will the other comedy legends like Eric and Ernie, Frankie Howard and Tommy Cooper follow?

    I'm told it's happening already in the world of hip-hop. Last year, the murdered rapper Tupac Shakur rose from a stage, courtesy of San Diego firm AV Concepts, to wild cheers from the crowd at California's Coachella festival. (Virtual Tupac now even has its own Twitter page, with even more bloody followers than I've got.) Now fellow deceased rappers Ol' Dirty Bastard and Eazy-E are slated for the same jaw-dropping treatment at the Rock the Bells festival this autumn. Bring back dear departed Freddie Mercury I say!! He could raise the dead.

    Can the living compete? Listen to the techno-prophets and they'll tell you the quick are now threatened by the dead. Even the likes of Lady Gaga, Justin Bieber and One Direction could not compete with a resurrected Janis Joplin, Elvis and the Beatles. Even if Macca still tries to sing live, his voice might have one foot in the grave.

    And what about the movie industry? Some say I have come back from the dead, I'm not a zombie by the way, they can walk much faster.

    I can see a time when we will have an army of virtual actors – movies are heading that way just like digital computer games. So why not have John Wayne fighting it out with Humphrey Bogart over who gets to sleep with Marilyn Monroe or Mae West.

    I was at a movie shin-dig once and the idea of back-from-the-dead stars taking over Hollywood was bandied about – "Within the next 10 years, she will be (fully) brought back to life," Marlene Dietrich's grandson said at the time, rather madly wide-eyed.

    "The roles you'll initially be seeing [revived stars] in are cameos where they'll play themselves," the chief of LA firm Virtual Celebrity Productions foretold at the time. "But we're already seeing tons of feature-length scripts."

    Classic ensembles like the Carry On's could be back but not even with the original great dead cast of the likes of Sid James, Kenneth Williams and Babs Windsor but with movie greats such as: Gielgud, Oliver and Liz Taylor.

    Will standups be able to stand up to resurrection? I'd be delighted to see other comedy greats hologrammed back to life: Frankie Howard, Max Millar, Bill Hicks, Richard Pryor, George Carlin, Pete & Dud. Maybe not Bernard Manning, but he did know how to tell and time a gag. He was always "off colour" in more ways than one for my liking.

    Here's a thing, does an audience need the live interaction of the comic to feel the best of the joke? My grandson who has done a bit of standup in his time thinks that holograms would be a fad, almost like a video jukebox playing on stage. Comedy is a conversation, it's not just about standing there telling jokes, it's about eye contact, backchat, gauging what's working and what isn't, the best comedians are constantly aware of everything going on around them.

    I encountered hologram televisions when I made a guest appearance as one in my recent short story Kensington Gore's Twisted Tales #4 Robot Love. Read it here http://amzn.to/16ptlGs

    One day I hope to have Robot Love made into a movie and I just hope I live long enough to play the hologram and actually be a hologram. That would be a little too ironic, don't you think? Like death imitating art.

    TTFN The Real Kensington Gore (do not except pale imitations)

    PS - a big Gorey thank you to my new PA Lindy Gore. (she can do 200 words an hour)

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